Emotional

Lately I find that most of the things turn out in difficult ways, until I feel like giving up, and I just want to go to top of the hill, shout out loud and cry until the last drop of tears left.

First, this time will be my last practicum, so I really hope that I can do it well. Even though I was a bit blur at a first place when I came into the school, but I forced myself, I tried hard to adapt to the new culture. Still there's so much things go beyond my control. What else should I say? Sometimes I blame our education system, too much emphasize on exam. Our education is totally exam oriented. Pupils go to school for the sake of exam, not because of purpose for their own life. Pity them.

Second, since I was a bit unstable at that moment, I don't think I can be alone. All my friends went back to their hometown for Chinese New Year holidays, I really wanted to go home too, but all tickets to Kelantan had sold out. My mom didn't allow me to drive to Kelantan by myself since it was a 'heavy' jam and I might get cramped or stuck along the way. So I had to stay in Malacca, alone.  Alone. Thus, I made a last minute decision to go to my friend house, somewhere in Vista Angkasa. I thought I might be able to relax my mind and rest after a whole week of not enough sleep. But then, I was totally wrong. With non-stop sounds of lrt, cars, people and etc, I got a big headache. Or I should consider it as migrain. I couldn't sleep, I kept hearing those sounds until morning, and it's like the rolling stone bumped into my head. At last, I drove back to Malacca.. Alone, again.

Third, I don't understand why Malaysian love to judge people because of their past. What do you feel when you want to ask for some advices from your friends who know you for quite a long time, then they kept blaming you, saying that "Haa tu laa, nak sangat jadi model kn dulu. Padan muka ko. Sekarang baru rasa." What the hell? After all, is that what I'm supposed to hear from them? Aren't they supposed to support me to change, not to make me down by telling my mistakes repeatedly and giving no advice at all. Yes, I was a sinner, being a model was a big sin I've ever made, as it make you to see me as the worst girl ever. But that was in the past. In the PAST. Can't you differentiate between the past, the present and the future? We are all human, so who are you to judge people? Durrhh.. Come on people!

Oh I really want to throw away this feeling... I want to be a better person. I wish to open a door of jannah for my father and my mother, complete half of deen of my future husband (don't know who he is), and become a good mother for my children. I need some guidances, I have to improve myself. I don't to want to be a loser someday, who lying on the bed, waiting for Malaikat Izrael to come with regret of life which will never be healed... No..

Btw, I think Shahid Kapoor is so handsome and sweet, don't you think so?

Thanks for reading! :-)