Monday, December 26, 2011

The drops from the black heart

For moments in my entire life,
some people stand like mannequin,
with their words that seem to ring in my eardrums,
they stared daringly into my weak and solemn eyes,
as they were glistening as if a layer of wet plastic covered them.

Physically I seemed to be without pity or compassion,
but emotionally I drained of love 
and hungered for it,
but my heart kept broken,
it felt like everything in it leaked out,
leaving it empty and hallow,
as the vacant spot somehow thruster forward,
unreasonable anger and rage.

I broke the tense silence,
I wanted to blurt out all my anguish,
inside I was falling apart,
but I still stayed composed,
stayed as cold as stone.
maybe it's not too late,
my heart spoke to myself,
the words pierced me in a way undesirable.

I slammed the door shut,
I ran to corner and cried my heart out,
I huddled in a ball like a baby,
for all tears wiped, I could have made a fortune.
I lifted my head,
I felt unbelievable heavy,
and the halls burrowing deeper into my hands,
it send painful sensations all over and over.

I peered out the window,
end lightened myself,
looking at the beautiful sky,
as stars scattered every where.

I took a deep breathe,
and listened to the sounds of the night,
words seems to be be too frail at this instance,
I closed my eyes, hugged the wind, 
and the nightingale said to me,
everything would be fine after all.
they will... 

Insha Allah.

- evagurl, Monday, 26th December 2011 , 3 a.m. -

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Saturday, December 10, 2011

Eternal Love

Why are you so sad,
and why it is so bad,
when someone leaves you behind,
won't you ever know,
don't you realize,
it's just a part of life.
when you fall in love,
with someone sometime,
it's a smile with a broken heart.
only falling in love with Allah..
the hands of love survive,
no mountain too high when there's a will,
come to Allah you will never fail.
Insha Allah  =)

Dear friends,
Sometimes we keep thinking and wondering why we still don't find the right one, why do the tears fall for someone who was never belong to us, why we always love someone we never had, why we can't be happy like others, why things are so hard for us, why why why and why... Just remember that God is compassionate towards all. So be trustworthy, turns our faces to Allah, Insha Allah we will find the sunshine everywhere..

p/s: Ya Allah... sinarkanlah nur hidayahMu ke dalam nuraniku.. Semoga jodohku adalah seorang insan yang menyintaiMu.. Tetapkanlah jiwa dan cinta kami padaMu, demi keagunganMu, di bawah naungan ArasyMu, pada hari tiada payungan selain dari payunganMu.. 

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Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Early Marriage and Late Marriage

It's already 2 a.m. I'm awake after ten minutes of sleep because of a dream. The dream of my beloved aunt...

Last year, my second aunt (a wife of my mom's brother) was being informed by the doctor that she had a breast cancer and it's in the final stage. So she had to stay in the hospital for the chemotherapy. Since her eldest daughter had a final exam and her husband had some important work to be settled, I was willing to help her and be with her at the hospital for two nights as my holiday was just started. Her condition was so bad. It became worst during the second night. She could not sleep, so she held my hands, looked through my eyes and said;

"Do you know..When I first met your uncle, I didn't like him and I really gave him a very bad impression. But then, things changed drastically. Later, we got married at the early twenty and we had kids. I ended up as a housewife to take care of my children. Being with my family, watching my children grow up, sharing their laughs and tears are the best moment I ever have. I'm gonna miss them so much.. Hurm.."

pic from Google

She stopped for a while. Then she continued; "Well, how about you? Do you any special one? Perhaps sooner or later, who knows right?"

I just keep silence. Then I said;

"Umm.. I will not get married until I reach the age of 26 and above. I want to collect a lot of money, further my study, perform umrah and hajj, buy my own dream car and a big house. After that I want to travel all over the world. I don't want to waste my youth by marrying any guy and end up with a feeling of regret because I do not enjoy my life to the fullest as I am supposed to."

She smiled and touched my hair. Then she said;

"I never dream to let go all I have in this way. I never expect to end up my life in the ward. No one want this to happen. But there's no way out, nothing I can do. Look, listen here my dear. It's normal for the youngster like you to enjoy your life, dream of the best things and grab all chances that come to you. But how long the time that you has? Will you be able to know that? I have lived a full life. I have the lovely siblings, went to school, met a good friends, have a responsible husband and beautiful children, experience my life like other woman. If I waited and got married late, I might never have it all."

She pulled me closer and hugged me. "You only have one life. Think about it dear, so that you will never regret it for the rest of your life."

That's the last words that I heard from her. She passed away a few days after, in her sleep, with a sincere smile and few drops of tears on her cheeks.

After she gone, I always think of my future. I start to change myself, my thought. Life is not as easy as we want it to be. A lot of things happen everyday. How can we be sure what will be happen tomorrow? Are we waiting until the day? We always waste our time by enjoying so much. What if the our time end up early and we lost it forever?

My aunt died young. Although she was not here anymore, she still have children who keep praying for her every day, like a rose in a garden. At least she always 'alive' in her children hearts until their last breathe.

I remember my ustaz had told me that if you lived for 80 years and you've been committing haram in your years, your life is totally nothing. But if you only lived for 20 years and you've been do 'amal' for those years, the door of Jannah is widely open for you. Isn't having a family is part of the 'amal' too?

"And in the end it's not the years in your life that count but life in your years." - Abraham Lincoln

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