A door to Exit.

Warning - This is an emotional post. Please do not read if you have a migrain or heart problem. I will not be responsible if you want to take this risk. Thank you.


Dear blog,

I've been thinking a lots before I write this entry. My life is changing. Totally change.

pic from Google

Every girl wants to be a beauty.  Every girls loves beauty things. Same goes to me. I always want to look good in everything that I do, everything that I wear and everywhere that I go. I want people to see me with words of "Wow, she's gorgeous!" or "Wow, she's beautiful!". Since that, I try to grab every single opportunity that comes into my life. As I love photography, I take a first step to be a talent. I love being the subjects for each photo that had been taken. Then I start to adore this field so much. I move from title of the talent to become the one who walk on the stage for several awesome fashion shows where people stare at me with an amazing looks and keep asking me 'Can I get your numbers please?". Oh I love to be a part of the stories behind the show and the photo shoot as well. It is such a great memories which I will never forget until my last breathe.

However, everything starts to change last two days. It was a dream. The same dream which was repeated for more than two times and it was not a good dream. It was a dream that totally harm my life. I remembered that I once asked my ustaz about the dream during the lecture last semester. Ustaz, should we believe in dream? How can we know if the dream is true or vice versa? How should we know that the dream is a message from God or a lie from As-syayatiin? My ustaz had mentioned that sometimes if you dream of something bad happens in your life and the dream is repeated for many times, it means something. The dream might have two conditions. First, that bad thing will really happen to you. Second, that bad thing will not happen but you get the dream because it is a sign from Allah. He wants you to change, he gives you hidayah through the dream. He opens your eyes and your heart through your dream so that you can see the truth. It is also a test for your 'Iman', how far it is, how strong it is.

I don't now which condition that the dream belongs to. The first or the second one? I..don't know what to do. I feel lost. Empty. Down. Everything comes up in a same time but not in a right moment. I couldn't carry it anymore. At last, I call a friend and ask for his opinion. Since he is older than me, I think I can get some advices regarding to the problem. Although he is not handsome, has a big nose and the big eyes like owl, he did tell me something that I never thought before.

Me: Bla bla bla bla bla bla.. So, what do you think?

He: Hmm.. To be honest, let me tell you something. Imagine when you get married. Then you leave all this things. You promise that you will stop joining this modelling field. You marry to one man, only one man, but don't you know that a lot of photographers (men) still keep all of your photos? They are men! Then what will you say when some day one of your grandchildren comes home and tells you that his friend brings your photos to school and show to other friends where his friend says that he gets it from the album of his grandfather which is a famous photographer a long time before. What will you say to him? How will you explain that? Will you say that  " Oh, granny was a model. " Would you be able to tell that?

No, I will not be able to tell that! I don't want neither my children nor my grandchildren to follow my step. Frankly speaking, usually it's very hard for me to listen to any advice although it is a good one because I am a stubborn girl. It is not easy for me to change. But I do listen and follow his advice well. Maybe because I feel like he's my own brother even though we come from different types of blood. The most important things here is probably God has opened my heart and guide me to follow what I think the best for me. He knows the best, so I pray for the best.

There is only one way. If I don't want something bad happens to me like the one in the dream, I must leave this modelling field. I have to quit. Or else I will find myself crying alone in the middle of the night at the back of the bed with the feeling of regret until the end of my life. Stepping away from this world will be one of the most difficult time for me. I know I'm not an artist, I'm not the one who always come up in famous magazines or television show. I'm only a small butterfly which only known by a few photographers. But I feel hurt. When you leave something that is the reason for you to be almost on the top where people know and adore you because of your performance, I tell you it is really not an easy thing to do! Trust me. It is so hard until I feel like I want to run away, hiding myself from anything and hoping for the Judgement Day to come. But I have no choice. This is the only decision I should take, and it is the best one for this moment.

Oh God..I don't want to be famous. I don't want to be the idol for other girls because of my style or my pose. I want to be the best woman, the best daughter, the true muslimah, the best wife and the best mom.. I don't care if I'm not special like the others. I don't care if people say that I'm a typical Malay or telling me that  I'm stupid because of the decision that I've made. But I do care of my life in the hereafter! What should I say when He asks me what have I done in this world since I was born until my last breathe?

Dear people, don't hate me for what I've written. My life will never be the same as yours. We are all given the chance and it is we, ourselves who will decide which road we want to take. For the first time in my life I realise.. All day long I had no time, to spread a word of cheer, no time to speak of Allah to friends, no time to give to souls in need, no time, no time. Too much to do, that was my constant cry. How if tonight is my last time, the time to die. Then I go before the Lord, I come, I stand with downcast eyes, for in His hands God held a book. It is the book of life. God look into His book and says, your name I cannot find. I once was going to write it down, but never found the time... :'(

I.. want to write it down..sincerely.. I want a second chance.....!

For my future husband, I don't know who you are, how do you look like, how Islamic are you, but I just want you to know. I'm not a good person in the past and I'm in the process of inhealing myself. I made a lot of mistakes. I have hurt so many peoples. I've being an annoying girl for a long time. When the time comes, I want you to know that Im really sorry for everything. Give me a chance to be myself, the real me. I pray that you are a someone who knows how to read Al-fatihah in a correct way, who knows 'hukum tajwid', who can be an Imam in all my solah, who do the pillars of Islam, who is willing to share whole of his life with me, who will love me until your last breathe. I know I may not be the best girl in the world, but I promise that I will be a good muslimah, wife and mom. Insha Allah..




p/s: Allah, You are my Lord, there's no God but you. You have created me and I am Your slave and I'm bound to Your convenient and Your promise to the best of my ability. I seek refugee in You from the evil of what I've done. I beg your grace on me and I confess to You my sins. So forgive me, for none is there to forgive sins but You...