Joy after tears

Kata orang jadi cikgu kerja paling senang, paling banyak dapat pahala. Berada dalam profession ini diibaratkan seperti sepasang kaki sedang melangkah menuju ke syurga. Yes, it might be true. We are dealing with humans, not the machine. Hanya satu jalan yang boleh kau pilih : heaven or hell. Hanya satu, tiada titik tengah. Jika niat kau ikhlas, ilmu itu berkat, maka pintu syurga itu akan terbuka luas untuk kau. Tetapi jika niat kau bukan kerana ingin mencurah ilmu, niat yang terpesong, keikhlasan itu sudah hilang, maka berdosalah kau terhadap mereka berada di bawah tanggungjawab kau.

Truthfully speaking, I never realize all these things until I experience the real life in school. Tak pernah terfikir betapa susahnya untuk mendidik kain-kain putih yang dahagakan ilmu ini. Tak pernah terfikir betapa besarnya dugaan dalam menghadapi kerenah-kerenah dan masalah yang berkaitan dengannya. Perit. At first, I thought that everything is easy. For me, tak susah pun nak ajar budak. Kena pandai bermain dengan psychology. Kena pandai ambil hati diorang. Kena tahu control kelas. Kena selalu prepare teaching aids yang menarik dan sesuai untuk lesson tersebut. Tak boleh garang sangat, tak boleh lembut sangat. 

But I was... totally wrong.. Selepas 3 bulan practicum, my lecturer came for final observation. Final observation yang akan menentukan prestasi dan markah bagi keseluruhan practicum. Since this practicum is also my last semester after 6 years of learning, so memang sangat cuak dan berharap akan dapat buat yang terbaik. When the day came, I've prepared the best for my pupils. Unfortunately, pada hari yang sama, sekolah kami menjadi tuan rumah untuk Kejohanan Bola Jaring Peringkat Daerah. My class betul-betul menghadap dengan padang. Jadi suasana sangat bising, dengan bunyi kompang, suara sorakan, suara cikgu-cikgu dan pemain-pemain menjerit semasa perlawanan, suara pengadil wat announcement. Overally, dari mula kelas hari tu sampai waktu akhir I didn't feel like I was teaching. I felt like I was shouting and screaming. Menjerit untuk mengajar bagi budak-budak dengar, sebab takut suara tenggelam dengan suara gangguan dari luar. The worst thing was my pupils did not pay attention during that lesson. My lecturer did not like that lesson. So, I got low marks for the lesson and classroom control as well..

*from Google

Selepas class I had a 'meeting' with my lecturer. She was really disappointed with me because she had high expectation towards me but things did not happen like she was expected. She was.. kind of condemned me and marah-marah.. It was really hurt.. Tapi aku diam dan dengar je.. Dah tak terkata apa-apa..I felt like I was a rolling can, being kick by others and has nowhere to go. I could not accept that I would get low marks for my practicum. I was able to maintain my cgpa above 3.5 ++ for the whole 5 years. But because of this one hour lesson, it could drag my cgpa to go below my target. So I would not be able to grad with good pointers...

Bila balik rumah, aku berkurung sampai ke pagi. Mama kol, kawan-kawan kol, semua tak terangkat. Nak lelap tak boleh, mata terkebil-kebil pandang dinding. Fikir masa depan. Hati.. sakit..pedih.. Esoknya bila masuk kelas, aku tak mengajar. Fikiran dan emosi terganggu. Semua murid senyap. Lepas tu semua bangun mintak maaf. Seems like they realized that they were a bit noisy yesterday. So diorang menyesal sebab tak dengar arahan dan apa jua yang aku ajar. Then I told them; " Awak tahu tak, 3 malam turut-turut saya tido 2 jam je. 2 jam je sebab nak siapkan bahan-bahan untuk mengajar awak, sebab saya tahu topic ni baru lagi bagi awak, banyak yg awak tak tahu. Banyak yang awak kena belajar."

Semua diam membisu, tunduk mengadap meja. And I continue:

" Saya tak kisah pun kalau terpaksa berjaga semata-mata untuk ajar awak, saya tak kisah pun berhabis duit untuk awak semua. Awak tahu kan, semalam pensyarah saya datang. Hari paling penting untuk saya. Tapi.... sampai hati awak buat saya macam ni..."

Sepi lagi.. Bila aku pandang, hampir semua menitis air mata. Menangis. That's make me feel even worst. Seriously sebelum ni tak pernah marah diorang macam ni. Paling teruk pun membebel je bila tak siap homework atau bising dalam kelas. Cuma hari ni sabar itu dah sampai ke hadnye. Tapi bila tengok diorang menangis, rasa macam tak sampai hati. I start to think.. Kenapalah nak marah budak ni. Diorang budak lagi kot. What do they know? Playing is their world. So what am I expected them to do? I was the one who made mistakes, the lesson was not successful because of me. Not their fault..

*from Google

Balik dari sekolah hari tu pun rasa still tak okay. Malam tu mama kol. Bila angkat fon, tak dapat menahan air mata. Teresak-esak. Akhirnya the tears dropped down. Lepas tu makin tak okay. Status facebook pun emo je memanjang. Atas nasihat keluarga, kawan-kawan, I was...kind of awake. I started to think properly. I had to fight back. I had lost one, I was going down, so I had to fight for it. I could not let this happen to me. The next day aku kol lecturer, asked her to give me a second chance. I asked for second final observation. Selepas pujuk, jumpa dan discuss, akhirnya madam setuju untuk datang observe sekali lagi, buat kali terakhir to 'repair' my marks.

Actually I was 'trauma' because of the previous failed lesson. Tapi aku kuatkan semangat. I wanted to do the best for 36 of beautiful hearts that hunger for the knowledge. I was not doing it for only one particular heart who would give any marks for me. Yes, I was doing it for my pupils. For all important people in my life. It's funny when I didn't know how to play the guitar, but for this second lesson, I practiced very hard to play a song during set induction (introduction of the lesson) in front of my pupils. Alhamdulillah, it worked. The lesson was successful. Pupils really enjoys that English class. Alhamdulillah...

After the class, my madam went to see me and she said: " This is one of the language lesson that I like. You know what? I can guarantee that you will become a good language teacher, Izatil. I know you will. And I'm really proud of you." Oh no one can describe my feeling when she said that. After the whole semester of practicum, with tons of works, with lots of problems, that was the best things I've ever heard. Akhirnya, I've made it!

The next day, my pupils asked; " Miss, macam mana? Pensyarah miss cakap ape? Miss dapat score tak kali ni?"

"Mestilah. Tengoklah miss sape."

"Yay!!" Semua bersorak, datang depan and hug me. I was shocked because of their actions. But I never felt like this, it felt sooo good. The feeling could not been describe with words. Yet I know they really love me! ^_^

After everything, I learned that :

- sometimes you have to be a loser first before you win

- life is a fight. so fight until the end, no matter how hard it is.

- believe in yourself, believe that you can do it although the whole world did not put any trust on you

- whatever you do, do it for Allah, not for any rewards (except 'pahala'). Insha Allah God will help you. 

-sometimes it's not whether we win or we loose, it's what we achieve/get at the end.

- it's okay to cry, it shows that you are still a human. (haha bleh plak :-P )

Terima kasih kepada family dan kawan-kawan yang banyak memberi sokongan especially when I was down..tak lupa juga kepada kawan-kawan alam maya yang tak putus-putus bertanya khabar dan memberi nasihat. I really appreciate it, hanya Allah mampu membalasnya..

At last, I boleh grad dengan gembiranya! Yahuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!! ^_^

My honeybunch, my sugarplums, my pumpkins, my sweetie pies, my cuppycakes, my apples,
my everything ♥ ♥